Back in April, Ella, asked me a question, that I never thought I would have to explain. She asked me, point blank, “what does it mean when you have your heart broken?” The first thought that came to mind, was probably, the same thing you are thinking, love. That first sweet tender love, when he never called or he “broke-up” with you on the playground, sort of love. I did not want to get into that topic, I wanted to keep it real. I told her, that someday, she would experience heartbreak; which is like getting your feelings hurt, it will hurt a little and she may cry a lot. That we all experience it, and that it may happen many times, but each time that it does she will learn a new life lesson. It would make her stronger, and a better person. She was curious, so we kept talking about it. She wanted to know who would break her heart. I continued by saying, that it could a friend, or a love (like Lenny is to me) or maybe someone in her family. That it will just happen someday and she will know it when it happens. She smiled and I thought our conversation was over. Then she continued to tell me how she has had her heart broken, and that I broke it. I was completely taken back. What did I do? What did I say? I asked her. She told me that two years ago when I cut my hair really short, that broke her heart. I smiled, and thought she was lucky to only have had that incident break her heart. To her it was a big deal. I apologized by saying that sometimes we do things we don’t know will hurt someone and for that I was sorry. So I baked these Salted Caramel Pecan Chocolate Chip Cookies to help mend both of our broken hearts. We are better now.
I continued to think about that conversation many times after it happened, that sunny day in April, sitting on the back porch. I thought about all the broken hearts I have had over the years. I pondered on how many did I break. There is no way around it heartbreak hurts; as I type these words it leaves a pit in my stomach.
Years have passed, hearts have been broken, but was it really heartbreak or just heartache? May 2, 2010, I will remember for the rest of my being. This is the day I experienced heartbreak for the first time. No, it was not Lenny who broke my heart, nor was it a good friend. I wasn’t going to write about it, then I changed my mind, sitting here sipping tea, after all, we learn from it, right? I had just told Ella this. Maybe it would make me feel better writing about it, no matter how vague. My family is going through a heartbreak right now, all of us. This is a true heartbreak. The kind that steals your soul. Leaves you breathless and wondering what could be next. Not a punch in the gut, leaving you standing on the playground; the most swallow feeling. I had dinner, with my friend, Debbie, a couple weeks ago and the only way I could explain it was, that I imagine this is how death feels when someone really close leaves.
Everything is just floating these days, I can almost see it, above me like a billowy cloud. If I just could reach up high enough, on my tippy toes, I could grab it, put a band-aid on it and fix it. Some days I don’t think about how it is falling apart, those are great days. Then there are the days the heartbreak settles in, like the fog over the city and those are the days I need to escape; cuddle with Lenny (*wink* *big smile*), talk to a friend on the phone, see the big smiles on MEM’s faces, take a walk, go to Paris (smiles) or bake something sweet. After all, doesn’t chocolate always make the heartbreak a little easier?
How do you make your “heartbreak” or “heart-ache” feel better?
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Salted Caramel Pecan Chocolate Chip Cookies
1 cup unsalted butter, room temperature
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
2 cups bittersweet chocolate chips
1 cup pecans, chopped
1/4 cup salted caramel
Heat oven to 375.
Use an ungreased cookie sheet or one lined with silpats or parchment paper.
Beat the butter and sugars together until creamy; add the vanilla.
Add the eggs, one at a time, and beat until mixed.
Gradually add the flour, baking soda, and salt.
Stir in the chips and pecans.
Gently fold in the caramel.
Using two tablespoons, drop spoonfuls onto the cookie sheets.
Bake for 8 – 11 minutes, until golden brown.
Remove from the oven.
Let cool for a couple minutes and then remove to a cooling rack to cool completely.